Confessions of a Godly Wife - The Stumbling Block

Have you ever been frustrated that your spouse was behaving a certain way? Most likely, the answer is "yes". Have you ever considered that some of your behaviors contributed to what you see your spouse doing? 

There was a period in our marriage when my husband struggled with watching inappropriate things on TV, the computer, and on his phone. When it first happened, I was crushed. I wasn't even looking for it, but it was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit. I contacted our pastor at that time because I was an emotional wreck. The first thing I did was wonder why I wasn't good enough for him, why did he need to watch that when he was married to me. I felt betrayed. I felt less than. It affected my self-esteem and my womanhood. 

The pastor explained to me that it wasn't my fault and that many people who struggle with it have an internal sickness that needs to be dealt with. He went on to explain to me the concept of perversion and how the door to this can be opened. I listened, learned, and understood. I began to pray for my husband fervently about this. Then, it seemed to stop for a long time. Then after seven years, it started up again. This time, I didn't call anyone for any help. I went on a fast and sought wisdom and direction from God. 

Here is where it gets murky. I thought that as a godly woman, all I needed to do was pray and that God would deal with his heart and change him. However, what I found out is that God wanted to work some change in me. 

One night I asked my husband if I could watch one of the movies with him. He looked at me like I was crazy. I let him know I wanted to see what it was all about. In my mind, I wanted to watch so that I could gather information on exactly how to pray. I was looking to see what kind of movies he was watching so I could pray against it. After thinking about it for a few days, he agreed. While watching, I started asking questions LOL. I asked if he wanted me to look like the woman on screen, and admitted, I couldn't because we had different ethnicities. I asked if he wanted me to do some of the things the women were doing and confessed that I probably couldn't because my body shape and size was not proportionate to theirs LOL. 

I think I was frustrating him with all the questions, because finally, he said, "Chara, do you want me to tell you what does it for me about these movies?" I said, "yes, absolutely, I would love to know". His answer humbled me. He said, "Do you see how soft she is in her movements and her tone? She is very soft and feminine. That is what does it for me."

WOW! I felt stupid! I am a strong black woman. I was raised to be independent and not focus on needing a man. I had lived doing most things for myself. I also was not afraid to fight, so I was rough and tough. In the biblical world, I was often called a prayer warrior, so I was even rough and tough in prayer. It took me some time to understand that when I am with my husband, I didn't need to do it all or be so rough and tough. However, in many of our conversations, I came off as dominate, not soft and feminine. While this is OK, it has its appropriate times when it should manifest. I was living in my independence and black woman strength in everything and at all times. 

I learned that I was indeed being a stumbling block for my husband. He was seeking softness, and I was giving him everything except softness. Instead of him going out to physically connect with a person to experience what he craved and desired, he resorted to watching it through pornography. While the initial sin was not my fault, I was contributing to him falling back into sinful behaviors by my very own behaviors. I went in trying to find out how to pray for him and ended up learning that God wanted to work on me. I began to work on being softer as a wife and God worked in his life to completely deliver him from that life of sin. He now shares his own testimony about how God delivered him, but I got the greatest lesson. This is a story of our past. God did deliver us both and our marriage is no longer plagued by pornography or female masculinity. 

I thought I was being a godly wife - praying and fasting. I thought I had the answer through my judgment of his behaviors. I found out that I was the stumbling block in his life. My very behavior and actions contributed to him missing the mark with Christ. I had to repent and allow God work in me to transform my mind and actions. 

Now, I want you to think about a behavior you see in your spouse that is frustrating you beyond belief. Once you identify it, seek God and ask God to show you if and how you are contributing to this behavior. Ask God to reveal if you are being a stumbling block to your spouse. We don't want to be a stumbling block to our spouse, or anyone for that matter, because then the blood is on our hand and we must give account for what we did, not what they did. 

These are my confessions. 

Confessions of a Godly Wife - No Longer A Stumbling Block!

~Pastor Chara Taylor, Hot & Holy Love Coach